Polyamory doesn’t always feel nice.

Hey boos, ghouls, and all you spooky people.

A friend of mine posted something found on a discussion board about polyamory being hard and the different ways that present. I will share it below, I copied it exactly as they posted it. It resonates with me on quite a few levels. Add in kink dynamics, and poly becomes even harder to navigate. It is not impossible, but there are challenges. Polyamory has it’s easy moments. Don’t doubt that, and it has many happy ones. But the challenges will change you and shake you to the core. You have to learn to communicate, to be honest and up front. To own your own shit, also to call others on theirs. But oh, the happy and the love are worth stretching and growing as a person. I wanted to share this, to give a pretty fair assessment of what poly really is like/can be like.

(copied from discussion group)

Poly doesn’t always feel nice. And that’s ok. Sometimes… Poly is watching your partner get their needs that match yours met with someone else. Sometimes poly is having to accept less, instead of all. Sometimes poly is, I hate this, but you don’t need my permission to do it anyway. Sometimes poly is burning. Sitting in your room, your house, alone, burning with all the emotions and there is no one to put you out except yourself. And sometimes, you’re not enough of a firefighter. Sometimes poly is boring. Sometimes poly is Netflix and chilling, by yourself, your own hand down your pajama pants. Sometimes poly is rage. Fierce, hot, molten gold down your gullet, choking you, burning you, cooking you to a not-quick enough death. Sometimes it’s this is not enough, but this is better than nothing. Sometimes it’s pain, bright, white hot, cutting into the very core of you. Splintering you into a thousand, million pieces. Sometimes it’s I don’t know how I survive this. Sometimes poly is… Acceptance of not so great, because there is no other option. Sometimes poly is a snide laugh, a kick in the gut, a slap in the face. Sometimes poly is heartbreak. Sometimes poly is, I will never feel “safe” again. Sometimes it’s just… Overthinking. Overanalyzing. Overdoing. Over scheduling. Overtalking. Over… Everything. Sometimes poly is… Can’t I just go back? But what poly really is? Poly is I can’t. I can’t go back. Because going back would mean so much sacrifice. So much giving up of people that I cannot fathom how much I love them. So much beautiful, wonderful, awful exploration of self that I would never get again. I can’t say, I don’t want my lovers and friends and amazing people who blur ALL of my lines and boundaries with their amazing selves. I can’t say, for the sake of some general level of “comfort” that I know is false, I will give up everyone. Their intimacy, their vulnerability, their nakedness. What they look like laughing, and coming, and crying. Versions of them I don’t get to see within the confines of monogamy as I knew it. I have sacrificed so very much to be here, uncomfortable, today. I can’t. I feel I’m awake now, with all the discomfort that comes with awakening. But I can’t go back to sleep. It’s shitty, sometimes, being awake. The sun is too bright, the sounds too harsh. It’s easy when I’m head down, dreaming. But it’s not real, you know? It’s an illusion, a construct. It works for some, but I’ve taken the red pill. I’ve seen my life for how it is, my thinking for how it is. I can’t unsee it. Maybe one day how I outwardly perform myself will change, but for now, I can’t go back. I am what I am, doing what I’m doing the ways that I do it. Sometimes it hurts. Fuck yeah it hurts. Don’t ever believe anyone who tells you anything remotely differently. And you know what? It’s ok. Through this, we grow. We become something else. We become better, stronger. We know ourselves more. We know more words to use to advocate for ourselves, and that is fucking amazing. Without this pain, without this trial by fire and molten metal, we might not know what we’re capable of. And knowing what we’re capable of is an awesome, incredible thing. That is what makes you, you. That is what inspires you to fucking amazing things. Even if the journey is horrible to get there. ~Anonymous

I would love to hear about your experiences, if you are poly/open/swinging. What challenges have you faced, what lessons have you learned?

I have learned many things, and I have many stories to share- but those are for another time.

Take care of yourselves, and each other. Life is too short to be boring, rude, or unnecessarily rude.

-Lena

 

Advertisements

Live your truth. Love. Vote with your feet.

Hello Boos and Ghouls!

I had the opportunity to listen to Master Seykou and slave luna at a women’s group I attend almost a month ago now. T/they are Colorado based and tour the country speaking to and with many people. I greatly value what Master Seykou and slave luna have to say and to contribute to the community in Colorado.

They said many things that stuck with me, but as of late one thing slave luna said sticks out. She said, “s types vote with their feet”.

Hearing her speak, I realized how true that is. I DO vote with my feet. If they are planted next to yours, in service or not, I am in it with you. I am here. I am in this. As long as this works, and we both work for it. In joy and sorrow my feet will be next to yours. This applies to all of my relationships. When I love, I LOVE with everything I am. Or, so I thought.

I realized recently that I hold back a small part of myself. I devote my love to those I love, but I am still terrified of letting them all see me fully. Terrified to be vulnerable sometimes, to show emotions or be emotional. I have been lucky enough to fall in love with some amazing people. Not all of them stay in my life. But, those that have- have the best look at who I am. They likely even SEE me.

But, to vote with my feet- to love them fully I need to Be Present. To let them See Me. To eliminate that fear. How? By embracing who I am. By embracing the love I have to give, and the love I can receive. By living My Truth, which is something Master Seykou also speaks on. Recently he posted something, “It can be so hard to live one’s truth awash in those NOT living there’s. Transparency moment..”

This post has been in the works for a month or so, but today’s post from Master Seykou prompted me editing this and sharing with you all. I don’t want to never not be living my truth. Whatever that may be.

It can be very scary, and emotional. But that is okay.  I am incredibly blessed to have a wonderful circle of partners, and the rest of my Tribe. There are days of learning ahead. I need to keep growing and changing. I need to keep reaching for my goals. I need to fully embrace that it is okay to be emotional. It is okay to be vulnerable. Being sensitive isn’t a curse, emotions aren’t either (although you will often hear me bitch that, “feelings/emotions are stupid!”, or, “stupid feelings”). This is all a process, and a journey. 

But hey, I made it this far. I can keep going. ❤

What is your truth? What are your goals in life? How did you love in this life of yours?

Intent

“The difference between mouth to mouth and a kiss is intent.”

I have had that above sentence pending in a post on here since Mar 26, 2014 7:15 AM

Not sure where I was going with it back then, but it works.

I never intended for this blog to die off, but the road to hell and all that. 2014-2017 is a long break.

But, here I am! Back, in some capacity. I have been trying to write in a diary every day, but perhaps I can do this instead?

So, Hi! If we haven’t met before, I am Lena.  I am a lot of things, as you will probably learn as we go though I am: polyamorous, pansexual, married to a lovely man whom I live with (along with our dogs and cats), dating another pretty spiffy guy (who’s wife is a pretty good friend of mine) a hearse driver, and I have quite a few things I really rather enjoy or love doing. I work with at risk and abused youth. I am a pretty open book, but I expect you to be respectful no matter what you are asking me/we are talking about.

 

I don’t have much else to add at this point, so cheers boos and ghouls!

xx

Lena

 

 

April Kindle Fire giveaway!

Enter to win 1 of 2 great prizes. Winner’s choice of a Kindle Fire HDX or $229 Amazon Gift Card or $229 Paypal Cash!

The first prize is available via the rafflecopter below. The 2nd is available only to bloggers who post about this giveaway. You can find info on how to enter the 2nd giveaway in the rafflecopter.

Kindle Fire April

Win a Kindle Fire HDX, Amazon Gift Card or Paypal Cash ($229 value)


The winner will have the option of receiving a 7″ Kindle Fire HDX (US Only – $229 Value)

 

Or $229 Amazon.com Gift Card (International)

 

Or $229 in Paypal Cash (International)

Continue reading

Lamp NOT included, a review of Rainy Kaye’s Summoned and an excerpt!

Hello sweethearts! I am SO excited! Summoned is now on sale! The following is my review (once it goes live on Amazon I will link to it instead since it has a bit of spoilers in it). After the review is an excerpt, but you can go buy it on Amazon.com $0.99!

Dimitri is a sarcastic  twenty-three year old, with a huge secret- he is controlled by a paranormal bond that ensures he has to do whatever is wished for by his “master”.Dimitri, or Dim, is a genie. Or djinn if you rather.

We all grew up with I Dream of Jeannie, and/or Aladdin as our basis for what a genie is supposed to do, or look like. Well, I love and hate to break it to you but Dim is NOT that kind of genie! I would rather have him around than Jeannie or Robin Williams’  lively blue Genie (Unless I am on the receiving end of a wish!) Don’t get me wrong- I love them both. I just love Dim more!

I love that this is a new take on the genie/master relationship, there is a bit of magic but otherwise Dimitri is a “normal” person. He is just like you and me, except he HAS to do whatever his Master wishes. The characters are believable, the story is well written, the world is one could clearly see and feel in my head. story all tied together leaving me (mostly) satisfied with the ending. I say mostly, because I REALLY didn’t want the book to end- I wanted it to keep going. Thankfully, Ms. Kaye is continuing the series!

If you don’t like steamy sex scenes, violence, and cursing then stay away from Dim and his world. If you don’t mind those, and like paranormal based stories then read Summoned! This… I… wish!

—-

Excerpt behind the read more link 🙂

Continue reading

Rainy Kaye interview!

Hello Boys and Ghouls!

So the amazing Rainy Kaye answered a few questions about Summoned that I am going to share here with you!

Thanks to Rainy and her assistant Sandra for the content I have been able to share with you guys! My review of Summoned will be posted on Friday, the day it goes on sale!

http://www.summonedtheseries.com

Rainy Kaye is an aspiring overlord. In the mean time, she blogs at  www.RainyoftheDark.com and writes paranormal novels from her lair somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona. When not plotting world domination, she enjoys getting lost around the globe, studying music so she can sing along with symphonic metal bands, and becoming distracted by Twitter (@rainyofthedark). She is represented  by Rossano Trentin of TZLA.

Continue reading

Ban Bossy?

Hello sweet hearts!

So I noticed this new campaign that Beyonce has started called Ban Bossy. If you are unfamiliar with it, here is the website: http://banbossy.com/

The whole thing can be summed up in their description; “When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.”

Sounds great, right? I am ALL for empowering young ladies and women (boys and men, too! Equality here. ) of any age- but instead of trying to ban words like bossy, shouldn’t we be teaching them it is okay to be powerful, and that sometimes you will be met with opposition? We need to be teaching ALL children that sometimes mean words will be thrown your way, and we need to teach them how to cope with that. We don’t need to “ban bossy” to turn the next generation into leaders.

It would serve the next generation better to help them build greater self worth and self esteem- so that being called bossy simply bounced off. Much like the old childhood rhyme “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”

What do you think about the “Ban Bossy” movement? I would love to hear what you think!

xx’s

Marlena

Welcome to the madness!

Hello, sweethearts!

I finally settled on a name for my blog, it has taken me awhile but I had good reason to debate it. This blog isn’t going to be about just one thing, it is going to be about a variety of things. Books, music, movies- and more. It is going to be about me, and my life as well. I am a 25 year old who lives in Colorado with a love for life!

When I love, I LOVE. That sums me and my life up well. In any case, I hope you will stick around and hope that you enjoy my blog- It will be a lot of madness, but in a good way!

If you want to get to know me better, just ask! I am open to any and all questions- but remember to be respectful to everyone!

xx’s

Marlena